I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
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I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
sir, my pâté if you please
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right