[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
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I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
moms in horror movies
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Yup….perfect score!