[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

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[iphone vibrates]
3yo: daddy someone is texting you

[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?


[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend


[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.


After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.


Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*


Me: You’re going to prison?

My French accountant: Oui

Me: WE are going to prison?


Donald Trump calls on Hillary to shut down her foundation. Meanwhile, we’re all still begging him to choose a more natural color for his.


[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!


“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*