3yo: daddy someone is texting you
[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
You Might Also Like
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Donald Trump calls on Hillary to shut down her foundation. Meanwhile, we’re all still begging him to choose a more natural color for his.
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*