@trojansauce

[after raking leaves into a pile on my lawn]
ME: ah, perfect. these leaves are all tidy and there is nothing that can change this

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@tsm560

What do people who announce their own birthday on here want from us

@pourmecoffee

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

@EndhooS

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

@Try2StopME

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

@JoshuaHvr

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

@Importantest

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

@AmishPornStar1

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

@Mr_DrEsquire

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

@IamEveryDayPpl

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.