I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
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I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
oh you wanna fight?!
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.