What do people who announce their own birthday on here want from us
[after raking leaves into a pile on my lawn]
ME: ah, perfect. these leaves are all tidy and there is nothing that can change this
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I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
THIS KID’S GOT MY VOTE
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…