@tsm560
What do people who announce their own birthday on here want from us
@trojansauce
[after raking leaves into a pile on my lawn]
ME: ah, perfect. these leaves are all tidy and there is nothing that can change this
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@tsm560
@pourmecoffee
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
@EndhooS
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
@Try2StopME
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
@JoshuaHvr
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
@briangaar
THIS KID’S GOT MY VOTE
@Importantest
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
@AmishPornStar1
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
@Mr_DrEsquire
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
@IamEveryDayPpl
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.