[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
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[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
everyone’s a critic
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.