After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
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[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita