After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
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The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.