*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
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I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Morning.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
mom had nothing to worry about
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.