After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

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If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.


Texts friend: sorry, I’m running late.

Friend: no problem, let me know when you’re on your way.

[ 6 weeks later]
Ok I’ve left.


My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.


If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years


her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags


getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”


A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.


Ever fill a garbage bag, put your foot on it and stomped the hell out of it so it held 9 times what it’s supposed to?

Yoga pants explained.


I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.


ME: Oh my god, it’s so nice to have company after so long. Please come in, we’re best friends now