I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
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Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
watergate? u mean a dam??
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.