Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
After seeing some of the names on kids these days, you wonder if their parents were going all in for the Triple Word Score.
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“Make him press 1 again.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”
– Call Center Training
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
This is brilliant
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
*dad throws ball over fence*
“I’ll get it son!”
*25 years later*
“Wow he must’ve thrown it far”
Interviewer: As a vegan company it’s important that our staff love animals. Your CV says your previous job was… a pig slaughterhouse
Me: That’s a typo
Interviewer: For what?
Me: Er… pig’s laughter house
Interviewer: And what did you do there?
Me: I tickled the pigs.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I used to go dumpster diving but eventually concluded that my local swimming pool was a better place to do it.