As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
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Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
😬
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.