@THEPokerWife

After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

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@torieannesalt

I’m at my classiest when my date rips my bra off and cookie crumbs fall out

@boring_as_heck

“hey we use animals for literally everything else in our lives. lets use our feet for cars.” idiot flintstones. no wonder you’re extinct.

@TheOutli3R

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

@SondraDeeMe

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

@SondraDeeMe

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

@SugarMagicSpice

I thought my apocalypse outfit would be more black leather and less jammies and bunny slippers.

@Phook75

If I’m ever kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to recite the ABC’s without singing the song tell my family I loved them

@staufff

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

@adamgreattweet

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

@MJMcKean

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.