After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
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[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Animal poetry
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
me hitting on a model
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it