If you steal my tweets I’ll just unfollow you cuz your tweets are terrible.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
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I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
In the early hours, the hoarse retching of a cat with a hairball. First one out of bed has to clean up. My bladder is empty. Bring it.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero