After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
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Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you