After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

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No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school


I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —



Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did


Boss: Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Me: Not cool, dude. Jan’s just pregnant.
Me: Jan if you report this I got your back.


I wish we could still defeat bullies with synchronized dancing like in the 80s


A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence. Example:
I ate Julie’s sandwich.
I ate Julie’s colon.


If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer


I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.


He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath


Overslept this morning and missed church for the last 15 years.