*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
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me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
waiting for halloween be like:
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
My daily affirmation
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.