*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
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Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Ugh but profoundly
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?