@boyswearmugler

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

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@juliussharpe

My wife wants to have another kid. That’s like seeing light at the end of a tunnel and saying, “I think we better turn around.”

@KentWGraham

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

@CrockettForReal

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]

@dubstep4dads

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

@qwertying

I could never cheat in a relationship,

That requires 2 women to find me attractive.

@Elizasoul80

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

@dril

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

@shkeeber

Him: I’m tolerant of the gay lifestyle. A neighbor of mine was gay.

Me: Thanks. I’m tolerant of yours too. A neighbor of mine was an idiot.

@sarahclazarus

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

@TragicAllyHere

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*