My wife wants to have another kid. That’s like seeing light at the end of a tunnel and saying, “I think we better turn around.”
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
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MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I could never cheat in a relationship,
That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Him: I’m tolerant of the gay lifestyle. A neighbor of mine was gay.
Me: Thanks. I’m tolerant of yours too. A neighbor of mine was an idiot.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*