First time your kid gets a bday party invite: Awww!
Second time: Oh, another one?
Third time: MAKE ANY MORE FRIENDS AND YOU’RE GROUNDED.
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
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friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?
GUY POSING FOR THE SCREAM PAINTING: Are you done? Let me see
EDVARD MUNCH: You look great
GUY: Let me see
EDVARD MUNCH: No
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Stephen Hawking calculates the properties of the universe from a wheelchair and I’m googling how to get paid without leaving my house
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be