@boyswearmugler

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

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@ashleyaustrew

First time your kid gets a bday party invite: Awww!

Second time: Oh, another one?

Third time: MAKE ANY MORE FRIENDS AND YOU’RE GROUNDED.

@iwearaonesie

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

@WheelTod

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

@birbigs

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

@CruisinSoozan

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

@Cali_Kid_Mike

So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?

@bea_ker

GUY POSING FOR THE SCREAM PAINTING: Are you done? Let me see
EDVARD MUNCH: You look great
GUY: Let me see
EDVARD MUNCH: No

@junejuly12

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

@Jacob_Swift16

Stephen Hawking calculates the properties of the universe from a wheelchair and I’m googling how to get paid without leaving my house