Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Realize this:

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.

Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.

Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!