@Home_Halfway

[After sex]

HER:

ME:

HER;

ME:

HER:

ME:

HER: Never use your Elmo voice again

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@Dutch_50

So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.

@PaulKaloper

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

@DaddyJew

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

@Lakelandr

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

@daemonic3

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

@TheToddWilliams

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

@ThatOMGkid

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

@Eden_Eats

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

@Mr_Kapowski

*wife and I start having an argument in a crowded restaurant*
*she storms out upset*
*I follow*

Outside: “DINE AND DASH SUCCESS!” *high 5*