[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
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Candles never taste the way they smell
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Never ghost your hitman.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
peeping toms
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.