[After sex]







HER: Never use your Elmo voice again

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So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.


ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.


“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household


I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another


“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses



ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one


Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school


How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?


*wife and I start having an argument in a crowded restaurant*
*she storms out upset*
*I follow*

Outside: “DINE AND DASH SUCCESS!” *high 5*