[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
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Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
#Caturday
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”