*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
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“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Fluff me with a fork baby
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.