Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?

Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.

I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*