Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
After shaking someone’s hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.
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gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
[toon world police department]
Chief of police: describe the explosive device?
Me: its like a bowling ball with a fizzy string
Chief of police: listen very carefully, i want you to lick your thumb and index finger