@TheMichaelRock

After shaking someone’s hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.

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@LeviathanPride

Hurricanes, famine, disease, war crimes, child molestation, political corruption. And Jesus appears to mankind on a slice of toast.

@CatsForDinnerz

Opened a can of expired beans and an eagle flew out carrying a photo of a can of fresh beans. I nervously ate the photo while he observed.

@impaulmccoy

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

@iRowlf

It’s pretty rude how they’ll kick you out of the hospital just for using a defibrillator to make a grilled cheese sandwich.

@pixelatedboat

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

@Mostly_Cheese

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

@LionJenkins

Me: Doctor, it hurts when I go like this.

Doctor: You’re not doing anything. You’re just sitting there being alive.

Me: Exactly.

@Jesusontwittorr

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later