After shaking someone’s hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.

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Hurricanes, famine, disease, war crimes, child molestation, political corruption. And Jesus appears to mankind on a slice of toast.


Opened a can of expired beans and an eagle flew out carrying a photo of a can of fresh beans. I nervously ate the photo while he observed.


The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’


It’s pretty rude how they’ll kick you out of the hospital just for using a defibrillator to make a grilled cheese sandwich.


It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school


Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.


Me: Doctor, it hurts when I go like this.

Doctor: You’re not doing anything. You’re just sitting there being alive.

Me: Exactly.


To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later