After shaking someone’s hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.

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The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it “Contains Peanuts” makes me extremely nervous for the human race.


I want this election to be over so badly you’d think it was a friend’s play.


In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes


The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary


The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.


Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.


I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.


“I’m not drunk” *stands up* “Shit, I’m drunk”


My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…