@TheMichaelRock

After shaking someone’s hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.

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@BadassBarbie11

The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it “Contains Peanuts” makes me extremely nervous for the human race.

@d_haggar

I want this election to be over so badly you’d think it was a friend’s play.

@Ygrene

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

@envydatropic

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

@Birdhumms

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.

@Robinbuble

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

@Carbosly

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

@durnkposts

“I’m not drunk” *stands up* “Shit, I’m drunk”

@GoldenSpirals

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…