[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
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Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool