Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
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Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Saturday
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.