[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
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Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
🙅🏻
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.