Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
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My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer: