I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
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Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
“This bouncy castle is twice the price of last year”
Please no dad
“..Inflation for you”
*kids start crying*
Bit chilly again tonight.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Burger King employee: what size [drink] would you like?
Me (thinking she said ‘side’): fries.
Me: *more forcefully* fries.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”