@MarfSalvador

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

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@Parkerlawyer

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?

@envydatropic

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

@jazmasta

[kids party]
“This bouncy castle is twice the price of last year”
Dad no
“That’s..”
Please no dad
“..Inflation for you”
*kids start crying*

@tiffaynay

Burger King employee: what size [drink] would you like?
Me (thinking she said ‘side’): fries.
BK: What?
Me: *more forcefully* fries.

@KevinFarzad

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

@UncleDuke1969

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”