[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
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What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Ape together strong
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
(Jupiter –
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
are there any atheist mantises?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
i choose….tongue
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”