[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

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I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.


Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!


Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?


Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created


[kids party]
“This bouncy castle is twice the price of last year”
Dad no
Please no dad
“..Inflation for you”
*kids start crying*


Burger King employee: what size [drink] would you like?
Me (thinking she said ‘side’): fries.
BK: What?
Me: *more forcefully* fries.


Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account


“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”