[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
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Make new friends? bro out of what?
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell