After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

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I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.


When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.


Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.


This week on Twitter, i have talked to a cartoon bunny, a baby duck, a platypus that only speaks in haiku, tons of catfish and a chicken in a fox suit. So don’t tell me these drugs aren’t working.


If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.


[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle


My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on


Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.

*turns my chair to get a better view

Me: Carry on.