After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
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BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Welcome to the stomach
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.