@LindaInDisguise

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

- @LindaInDisguise

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@mantej

Mother’s may get a day, but shark’s get a whole week!

Mom sharks get 1 week AND a day.

…don’t even get me started on black shark moms.

@Marcmywords2

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

@PeaceInTruth1

A car gets better traction in the snow if you throw a couple of coworkers in the trunk.

@Reverend_Scott

If I were a superhero, I’d be Pizza Man.

My one-liners would be cheesy, and I’d save you in 30 min or less, or your next criminal is free.

@Thynebear

*cop approaches me*

“have u seen this girl?”

*holds up photo*

“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”

*hi-5*

“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”

@jwoodham

Whenever you’re mad at someone, just take a deep breath and count to 10. Those 10 seconds will give you time to think of the perfect insult.

@michamontaz

Christianity: One woman’s lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.

@david8hughes

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”