Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
After six years of being responsible, I finally went and lost my phone last night. I’m currently using Twitter from the web. LIKE A CAVEMAN.
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I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Cholesteroly? RT @kfc_colonel How would you describe KFC gravy in one word?
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who’s not interested.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
date: “i think you watch too much Homeland”
me: [in the next booth facing the other way] “keep your voice down”
When I was 15 I forgot to do my math homework so I ripped the pages I was supposed to do out of my textbook and told my teacher I couldn’t do it bc the pages were missing and tbh that’s still how I try to solve most of my problems as an adult