i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
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I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl