[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
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My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….