After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
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You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Ken is short for chicken
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.