*Sees dead cat on the road.
Walk it off buddy, you got 8 more.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
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CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
me: [wiping down equipment after finishing with it]
cute girl: you don’t have to do that with the vending machine. are you crying
The Seven Deadly Sins:
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.
And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”
I’m so emb-
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Hero horse inspires millions