After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
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Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.