Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
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[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
TAKE IT EASY OUT THERE FELLAS
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
dude that designs dressing rooms: make em tiny like an upright coffin. good. now make the lighting so that bare skin looks like nightmares.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration