After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
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Yup!
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself