@junejuly12
@rockymomax
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: why
HER: u lie to me constantly
ME: ha! u don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula Amber
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@rockymomax
@AndLive2Love
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
@Tharin_P
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
@DanMentos
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
@Home_Halfway
You really are the cat’s pajamas, and by that I mean you’re a stupid idea.
@SpokenDamsel
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
@flashember
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
@bridger_w
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
@_ElvishPresley_
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
@PleaseBeGneiss
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*