HER: I’m leaving you
HER: u lie to me constantly
ME: ha! u don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula Amber
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
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We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
therapist: I see
You really are the cat’s pajamas, and by that I mean you’re a stupid idea.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*