@junejuly12

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

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@rockymomax

HER: I’m leaving you

ME: why

HER: u lie to me constantly

ME: ha! u don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula Amber

@AndLive2Love

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

@Tharin_P

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

@DanMentos

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

@Home_Halfway

You really are the cat’s pajamas, and by that I mean you’re a stupid idea.

@SpokenDamsel

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

@flashember

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

@bridger_w

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

@_ElvishPresley_

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

@PleaseBeGneiss

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*