After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

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Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you


[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.



You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac


Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.


dude that designs dressing rooms: make em tiny like an upright coffin. good. now make the lighting so that bare skin looks like nightmares.


At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration