After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
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Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment