After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
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There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these