After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

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I might be OCD, but I’m not falling for that check engine bullshit. It’s there.


Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do


Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”


*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE


[drinks milk from carton]


“I went to the eye doctor”

What does that mean?

“He said I don’t need glasses”


Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”


Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady; I always hand her a card that states

“A mild sense of Nausea is perfectly normal”


Mumford & Sons is my favourite upholstery shop turned musical act.


My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!