I might be OCD, but I’m not falling for that check engine bullshit. It’s there.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
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Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
[drinks milk from carton]
WHY AREN’T YOU USING A GLASS?!?
“I went to the eye doctor”
What does that mean?
“He said I don’t need glasses”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady; I always hand her a card that states
“A mild sense of Nausea is perfectly normal”
Mumford & Sons is my favourite upholstery shop turned musical act.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!