After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
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Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.