[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
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Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
They’re the worst 😩
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.