Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
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Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Hit me in the face with a bird
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.