@genehunter1

After the delicious brownies have all been consumed following my funeral,
a video of me will inform everyone that they just ate my ashes.

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@AimeeHelene1

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

@JermHimselfish

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

@TheAlexNevil

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

@Baz_3000

I always read my wife’s Horoscope to see what kind of day I’M going to have.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

@paminski

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

@3sunzzz

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

@captainkalvis

ANCHOR: we now go live to our new field meteorologist who will issue a storm warning

ME: *pointing at the sky* DON’T. YOU. DARE.

@TheHyyyype

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same