People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
After the delicious brownies have all been consumed following my funeral,
a video of me will inform everyone that they just ate my ashes.
You Might Also Like
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I always read my wife’s Horoscope to see what kind of day I’M going to have.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
ANCHOR: we now go live to our new field meteorologist who will issue a storm warning
ME: *pointing at the sky* DON’T. YOU. DARE.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same