Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
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We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing