[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
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Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Siri, fight Alexa.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”