After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
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Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…