After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
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I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage