ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
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As it turns out you cannot recharge your cell plugging it in to an electric eel. I’m just glad this aquarium had a paramedic on duty.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Waitress: what will it be?
Me: I’ll have the rum cake but with the rum on the side
W: so u want a glass of rum & a cupcake?
M: yes please
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My son finally overcame his fear and rode his bike without training wheels two weekends ago. Tonight he is googling dirt bikes and ATV’s because apparently he thinks he’s hardcore now
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.