@BatBatshitcrazy

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

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@AGreaterMonster

As it turns out you cannot recharge your cell plugging it in to an electric eel. I’m just glad this aquarium had a paramedic on duty.

@causticbob

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

@DaddyJew

Waitress: what will it be?

Me: I’ll have the rum cake but with the rum on the side

W: so u want a glass of rum & a cupcake?

M: yes please

@HrBry

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

@TT_Sunshine_

My son finally overcame his fear and rode his bike without training wheels two weekends ago. Tonight he is googling dirt bikes and ATV’s because apparently he thinks he’s hardcore now

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

@daemonic3

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

@skittle624

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.