After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
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Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Worth remembering.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.