After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
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A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*