@ImaFlyontheWall

After they got married she even put his truck nuts in a jar.

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@samuelhlowe

-Do you take drugs?
-No.
-Ever tried them?
-Never.
-You seem very nervous.
-I’m just not used to being questioned by a unicorn.

@MUMSIEesq

In my defense, they should have been more specific about which part of the restaurant I was supposed to “Drive Thru”

@drayzze

Hearing my own voice on recording makes me want to apologize to every single person I’ve ever talked to.

@avainwordland

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

@robdelaney

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

@Ann_tookeen

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

@BrianIncognito

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

@EddieHarris216

Winnie the Pooh: Huh. According to this book we’re both apex predators.
Tigger: Really?
(They turn their heads)
Piglet: Oh shit.