After they got married she even put his truck nuts in a jar.

You Might Also Like


-Do you take drugs?
-Ever tried them?
-You seem very nervous.
-I’m just not used to being questioned by a unicorn.


In my defense, they should have been more specific about which part of the restaurant I was supposed to “Drive Thru”


Hearing my own voice on recording makes me want to apologize to every single person I’ve ever talked to.


It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.


Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.


Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏


I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.


Winnie the Pooh: Huh. According to this book we’re both apex predators.
Tigger: Really?
(They turn their heads)
Piglet: Oh shit.