God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
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The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again