@Rachelnoise

After three beers in a bikini I quit holding in my stomach and just think of baby names to tell people.

You Might Also Like

@Kyle_Lippert

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

@Nahdude83

[10 mins into couples therapy]
Therapist: I cannot help you two.
Me: Let’s go, Betsy! See! She doesn’t listen!
T: GET YOUR DOG OFF MY COUCH!

@Queen_Sassy_AF

Nothing says summer like being pushed back into the ocean because a group of kids think you’ve beached yourself.

@Kica333

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

@PaperWash

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

@UnFitz

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

@awildhope

On the phone to the chinese food place & my cat’s all chatty… I cover the receiver and hiss “Shhh, you want them to hear you?”

@SardonicTart

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

@AlexvanBeek

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

@AndyAsAdjective

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.