If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
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BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
All excellent questions
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History