[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
After three beers in a bikini I quit holding in my stomach and just think of baby names to tell people.
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[10 mins into couples therapy]
Therapist: I cannot help you two.
Me: Let’s go, Betsy! See! She doesn’t listen!
T: GET YOUR DOG OFF MY COUCH!
Nothing says summer like being pushed back into the ocean because a group of kids think you’ve beached yourself.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
On the phone to the chinese food place & my cat’s all chatty… I cover the receiver and hiss “Shhh, you want them to hear you?”
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.