@MomOnFire

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

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@rezox

funny when u get charged by a cash machine to get ur own cash out but then it tells u to cover ur pin to prevent getting robbed.

@mattgallo123

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

@TheAndrewNadeau

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

@Marcmywords2

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

@_NinJar

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

@ShortSleeveSuit

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

@sageboggs

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

@tonyhawk

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

@nPhelendriqal

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.