@MomOnFire

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

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@Trillburne

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

@bigpoppadrunk

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

@fishbowel

Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water

@nocturnallyme

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

@BoogTweets

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

@KeetPotato

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

@AGStr8upNinja

I don’t play mario kart with my brother anymore.

Because we are both in our 20’s & my mom is not there to split us up when we fight.

@BeTheCookie

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

@lmegordon

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

@lisaxy424

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.