After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
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I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
when you are just born a rebel
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”