Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
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I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
“We will wed,” I threatened